Softwareism

Chandrababuism:  You have two cows in Vijayawada. You hook them to internet and milk them from Hyderabad.

Jayalalithaism: You have two cows. You teach them to cry,"Ammaaaaaaa..." and fall at your feet.

Karunanidhiism: You have two cows. You give one to your son and the other to your nephew ...

Gandhism: You have two cows. But you drink goat's milk. Indiraism You have two bulls. You adamantly consider them as cows.

Lalooism: You have two cows. You buy Rs. 900 Crore worth of cattlefeed for them.

Rajnikantism: You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch their milk in your mouth. Rajivism You have two cows. You paint them both to get colourful milk.

Softwarism:

Client has 2 cows and u need to milk them.

1 . First prepare a document when to milk them (Project kick off)

2 . Prepare a document how long you have to milk them (Project plan)

3 . Then prepare how to milk them (Design)

4 . Then prepare what other accessories are needed to milk them (Framework)

5 . Then prepare a 2 dummy cows (sort of toy cows) and show to client the way in which u will milk them (UI Mockups & POC)

6 . If client is not satisfied then redo from step 2

7 You actually start milking them and find that there are few problem with accessories. (Change framework)

8 . Redo step 4

9 . At last milk them and send it to onsite. (Coding over)

10. Make sure that cow milks properly ( Testing)

11. Onsite reports that it is not milking there.

12. You break your head and find that onsite is trying to milk from bulls

13. At last onsite milk them and send to client (Testing) 14. Client says the quality of milk is not good. (User Acceptance Test)

15. Offsite then slogs and improves the quality of milk

16. Now the client says that the quality is good but its milking at slow rate (performance issue) 17. Again you slog and send it with good performance.

18. Client is happy??? By this time both the COWs aged and cant milk. (The software got old and get ready for next release repeat from step 1) !!!!! 

Read more: Softwareism

Software Ads on Doordarshan

"The man , The Machine, The Software - PeopleSoft VII"

Boy - "I am a PB boy"
Girl - "I am a PB gal"
"Badte bacho ke liye complete software - Powerbuilder"

"Eat bugs, Sleep bugs.....Do only debugs"

Internet Programmer - "I got the ASP power , now u go get it!!!"

"Microsoft office - Nothing official about it !!!"

" Software ki raksha karta hein Norton Anti virus.... Software hai jaha, Norton Antivirus hein vaha..."

Project Manager - I want the code today....
Programmer - 2 minutes
"Programmer ka kaam kare asaan, Duniya bhar me hai iski shaan...VB....VB.....VB"

Project Manager - "Power objects is the secret of my programs"
Programmers - "Our programs"

Husband - Thak gaya hoon mein
Wife gives him instant coffee and says
To create instant miracle....Use Oracle !

Read more: Software Ads on Doordarshan

Santa's Letter to Bill Gates

Letter is from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is noteven a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only..

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God shake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,

Banta

Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS.


SAN

Read more: Santa's Letter to Bill Gates

Bollywood Movies made by IT Engineers

If Bollywood films were made by Indian IT Engineers then they may  be called....

** Munna Bhi MCSA
** Kal MSN Ho Na Ho
** Love in mIRC
** Tere Nick
** ID Mil Gaya
** Chat To Kero
** Ek Programmer Thi
** Yeh Hack Horaha Hai
** Hum Pyar PC Se Kar Baithe
** Network Ke Us Paar
** Meri Disc Tumhare Paas Hai
** Aao Chat Kare
** C Wale Job Le Jayenge
** Programmer No.1
** Mera Naam Developer
** Hum Apke Memory Mein Rahate Hein
** Do Processor, Baarah Terminal
** Tera Code Chal Gaya
** Har Din Jo Mail Karega
** Debugging Koi Khel Nahi
** Jish Desh Mein Bill Gates Rehatha Hai
** Raju Ban Gaya MCSE ..!
** Client Ek Numbari, C Programmer Dus Numbari
** Login Karo Sajana
** Naukar PC Ka
** 1942 -- A Bug Story
** Kaho Na Virus Hai
** Crash Se Crash Tak
** Haan Meine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai
** Shaheed Hacker Singh
** Password De Ke Dekho
** Terminal Apna , Login Parayi
** Mr. Network Lal
** Terminal Sajaake Rakhna
** Hackers Ka Raja, Debuggers Ki Rani
** Kyonki Mein Debug Nahin Kartha
** Phir Theri Java-script Yaad Aayi
** Hang To Hona Hi Tha !!!!!!!!!!!!



Read more: Bollywood Movies made by IT Engineers

Bollywood Movies for IT Engineers

Movies and their meaning to IT Professionals:

Sajan Chale Sasural : Computer professional coming to US.

1942 a Love story : Sticking to one company for more than a year.

Dil to Pagal Hai : Staying in India, dreaming of US.

Sapnay : Green card.

Sadma : Rejected H-1(B) Visa.

Khalnayak : Bodyshoppers.

Deewana Mastana : Project Manager - Team Leader.

Beta : Home Phone bill exceeding $400pm.

Rakhwala : Project Manager.

Mr. Bechara : Computer professional in Singapore.

Zanjeer : Company bond.

Himmatwala : Breaking company bond.

Tohfa : H-4 Visa for your Wife.

Mawaali : Before coming to US.

Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman : Once you are in US.

Chaudhvin ka Chand : Assembly programmer.

Sahib Bibi aur Ghulam : Client, your company and you.

Shehanshah : Bill Gates.

Admi Sadak Ka : Jumping from company to company.

Dayawan : Company paying full salary in bench

Anari : Year2000 programmer.

Phool Aur Kaanten : Microsoft - IBM.

Aaj Ka Gunda Raaj : Microsoft Monopoly in IT market.

Maharaja : Doctors who came to US in 70's

Hairaan : Non-Computer professionals on seeing computer professional's pay-check.

Hum Aapke Hain Koun : Illegal Immigrants in US

Aur Pyar Ho Gaya : After staying in US for a Year.

Pardes : India after 2 Years.

Daud : Coming to US.

Rangeela : After getting Green Card.

Bahaar Aane Tak : Time period between Green Card and Citizenship.

Desh Premee : Going back to India for good

Farz : Going to India every year.

Pyaasa : Longing for a Visa.

Agneepath : Going to Madras Consulate for getting a Visa.

Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar : After coming from consulate with a Visa.

Bud Naseeb : Not getting a Visa

Himalaya Putra : Firmly asking for $70k from India

Elan-E-Jung : Asking for increment

Gupt : Agreement of Programmer with number of consultants

. Zakmee : After getting rejected twice for a Visa.

Swarg Se Sundar : on landing in US.

Ab Kya Hoga? : Applied for Green Card too late.

Jallad : INS People.

Kranti : Increase H-1 quota.

Main Khiladi Tu Anari : You and Immigration Officer


Read more: Bollywood Movies for IT Engineers

What happens if 1 Rupee were 45 dollars

Scene 1: Microsoft Corporation, New York , US Some s/w
engineers are seeing some photographs.

s/w engg 1 : What€™s that?

s/w engg 2 : Bob€™s photographs from India .

s/w engg 1 : Wow. Let me see. Which is this place?

s/w engg 3 : (Sees the photo) This is Himayatnagar, Hyderabad

s/w engg 1 : Fundoo yaar! And what is this? He got Bajaj Pulsar also.

s/w engg 2 : Let me see (sees). This guy enjoys life maan€¦

s/w engg 3 : You know how much an Bajaj Pulsar costs?
Nearly 60K€¦..
Say it in dollars€¦ (60000*45 = 27,00,000 dollars)

s/w engg 2: Oops. We can€™t dream of such a thing here.


s/w engg 1 : Let€™s go to India & try for a job.

[Everybody excited.]

€”€”€”€” €”€”€” €”€”€” €”€”€” €”€”€” €”€”-

SCENE 2 : Sun Microsystems, SanFrancisco , California, US

s/w engg 1: I€™m with you man. My Visa is expected anytime. Soon I will
fly to India

s/w engg 2: Ohhh€¦. When is the party?

s/w engg 1: When I get it on hand.

s/w engg 2: Where will you be working?

s/w engg 1 : I€™ll be working in Amberpet

s/w engg 2 : Oh! Amberpet. Great yaar. where it is€¦

s/w engg 1 : It is in Hyd.

s/w engg 3 : Fundoo place yaar. Nice climate Not like California.
You€™ll love the weather yaar. One of my friends is in Bhongir€¦
He says it€™s the ultimate place to live in. Cool maan.

s/w engg 2 : Who is the client yaar?

s/w engg 1: You know Municipal Corporation of Hyderabad ?

s/w engg 3 : Yeah. MCH. One of my friends is there in
the Road Cleaning Division. Most challenging job yaar. People are
working in the cutting edge of technology there.

s/w engg 1 : I€™ll be writing software for the accounts department of
the GCU.

s/w engg 2: GCU? what it means€¦?

s/w engg 1 : that is Garbage Collecting Unit.

s/w engg 3 : : Great yaar. That€™s what I like about
that country. You can get a job which requires all your skill. Not like
here. See I€™m writing software for the space shuttle remote control.
I hate this.

s/w engg 1 : Don€™t worry guys. I€™ll give you my
Hotmail id. You can send your resume to me and I€™ll forward it to the HRD.

[Everybody takes down his Hotmail id.]

€”€”€”€” €”€”€” €”€”€” €”€”€” €”€”€” €”€”-

SCENE 3: IBM, New York, US

(Conversation between a Male s/w engg. and Female s/w engg.)

Male : Hi!

Female: Hi. You know. I€™m planning to settle in India soon.

Male : What??

Female : Yeah. My marriage will be here in America only. He is doing
his Ph.D in J.N.T.U and he€™s coming here for a month. His study
will be over in 2 months. He€™s already got a job in MSCB. We planned to
settle in Hyd itself€¦ I€™m also planning to work there. Let€™s see€¦

Male: Good luck€¦ dont forget us & US€¦

€”€”€”€” €”€”€” €”€”€” €”€”€” €”€”€” €”€”-

SCENE 4: Intel Corp. US

s/w engg 1: Great news guys. Our George has got
admission in the IGNOU with scholarship for B.A History. A
great new field yaar€¦

All are excited€¦

George : Got my Visa yesterday. It€™s all finalized now.

s/w engg 2 : Congrats yaar. So you are out of this country.

s/w engg 1 : B.A in Histroy€¦ohh. ..man, enjoy your life there!!

s/w engg 2 :Got full aid, eh?

George : Yeah. Got the UGC scholarship That will be 1200 Rupees / year.

s/w engg 1 : Great. Enjoy.

s/w engg 2 : (Thinking loud): 1200 Indian Rupees€¦!
that means 1200 * 45 = 54000 Dollars€¦ with that amount I can buy an
three bed-room flat & a Mercedes here€¦!!!

€”€”€”€” €”€”€” €”€”€” €”€”€” €”€”€” €”€”€” -

SCENE 5

A foreigner working in Hyderabad as Software Engg gets
a call from his Home ..

Father : What are you doing son ?

S/w Eng : Having breakfast ?

Father : what are you eating ?

S/w Eng: Coconut Sauce and Rice Bread i.e.,(Idli and Chutney)


Read more: What happens if 1 Rupee were 45 dollars