Aliens and Cricket

Two aliens were visiting Earth to research the local customs.

They split up so that they could learn more in the time allowed.

When they met to share their knowledge, the first alien told of a religious ceremony it had seen.

"I went to a large green field shaped like a meteorite crater. Around the edges, several thousand worshippers gathered. Then two priests walk to the centre of the field to a rectangular area and hammer six spears into the ground, three at each end. Then eleven more priests walk out, clad in white robes. Then two high priests wielding clubs walk to the centre and one of the other priests starts throwing a red orb at the ones with the clubs."

"Gee," replied the other alien, "what happens next?"

"Then it begins to rain."

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Twenty-Twenty World Cup Post Match Presentation

In the Twenty-Twenty World Cup, post match presentation....

Ravi Shastri to Dhoni : "Congratulations to you and the whole Indian team for winning this world cup. You guys have produced a great nail baiting show.. and deserves the cup. We welcome you to share the joy with us."

Dhoni :  "Thanks Ravi, the match was pretty close encounter between two great teams and our guys held the nerve to win the game and cup."

Shastri: "Who was the main reason for this thrilling victory?"

Dhoni: "All of us played well but I would say the main reason and man behind this great victory is Ajit Agarkar"

Shocked Shastri: "Agarkar ? ? .. how come Agarkar... he didn't play in the final"..

Dhoni:  "Yeah.. that's the reason we won this low scoring match.. if he could have bowled in final, Pakistan would have scored the winning runs from his 4 overs...."

Shastri:  "ok.. fine, To whom you want to thank for winning this final..."

Dhoni:  "The team doctor deserves the credit... he really helped us to prepare for the final..."

Shastri:  "Is it? ?.... how the doctor helped to prepare for the final... he is not the coach or physical trainer...Dhoni. . I am getting confused!"

Dhoni:  "Ravi... nothing to get confused... he has failed Sehwag in the fitness test and so we managed to pick a good playing team.. thus we weigh the doctor's contribution as very high... infact its better than our team effort in the field.. our game tactic worked well"

Shastri:  "To whom you want to dedicate this World Cup?"

Dhoni:  "The entire team including myself wants to dedicate this cup to Sachin, Dravid and Ganguly..."

Shastri:  "I really really appreciate you... its good that you have so much respect for the seniors....and you ...."

Dhoni interrupts:  .. "Ravi.. let me complete... India would have exited in the Group matches if they decided to play in the series... thank god they opted out and we managed to play cricket and won the cup.."

Shastri: "The match was thrilling encounter and was concluded by a single mistake of Misbah.. Isn't it? "

Dhoni: "Yes you are right, after lofting the ball Misbah told me that he has send the ball to where there was no one....but he didn't know that there is a malayali in every corner of the world.... This single mistake has costed the game and won the cup..." Shastri faints and Dhoni receives the CUP.

Read more: Twenty-Twenty World Cup Post Match Presentation

True Cricket Commentary Lines

With the World Cup 2007 coming up shortly, you will find more cricket related features on my site.  

Yorkshire 232 all out, Hutton ill - I'm sorry, Hutton 111. - John Snagge, BBC News

He's usually a good puller - but he couldn't get it up that time. - Richie Benaud, Channel 9

In the back of Hughes' mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss and mitch one. - Tony Greig, Channel 9

It was close for Zaheer, Lawson threw his hands in the air and Marsh threw his head in the air.- Jack Potter, 3UZ

Chappell just stood on his feet and smashed it to the boundary. - Jim Maxwell, ABC Radio

 

I think we are all slightly down in the dumps after another loss. We may be in the wrong sign...Venus may be in the wrong juxtaposition with somewhere else. - Ted Dexter, explaining away England's seventh successive Test loss, to Australia at Lord's, 1993

Playing against a team with Ian Chappell as a captain turns cricket match into gang warfare. - Mike Brearley, 1980

Yorkshire legend Brian Close's advice to his team as Gary Sobers came in to bat: Right lads: this guy's a left hander".

One from the ABC box: Jim Maxwell: "The sight of Bright holds no fright for Wright" and the prompt reply from I forget who: "That's right!"

At the royal wedding in 1981 Johnners was commentating on BBC radio outside St. Pauls cathedral. 'Yes I can see the happy couple now making their way down the steps of the pavilion'.

'The slow motion replay doesn't show how fast that delivery was'. Benaud

That tough cricketer Brian Close was fielding close to the wicket at short leg when the batsman produced a full-blooded pull shot and the ball hit the fielder hard on the side of his face. Amazingly it flew straight up in the air and the batsman was caught at slip. "My God," said a worried fielder going up to check on Close. "What would have happened if he'd hit you right between the eyes?" "In that case," growled Close, "the bugger would have been caught at cover."

"The English," wrote one Englishman, "are not a spiritual people, and so they invented cricket in order to have some conception of eternity.'' The people of the Indian sub-continent are, however, intensely religious; and they adopted cricket in order to have some excuse for celebration.

Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end.- BrianJohnston, BBC Radio If you go in with two fast bowlers and one breaks down, you're left two short.- Bob Massie, ABC Radio

It is important for Pakistan to take wickets if they are going to make big inroads into this Australian batting line-up. - Max Walker, Channel 9

It's been very slow and dull day, but it hasn't been boring. It's been a good, entertaining day's cricket.- Tony Benneworth, ABC Radio

On the first day, Logie decided to chance his arm and it came off. - Trevor Bailey, Radio 3

Q: Do you feel that the selectors and yourself have been vindicated by the result?

A: I don't think the press are vindictive. They can write what they want. - Mike Gatting, ITV

Read more: True Cricket Commentary Lines

England Cricket Team Jokes

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all rounder.

Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Stewart?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What advantage do Nasser Hussein, Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex Tudor and Graham Hick have over the rest of their team mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. Why are English batsmen looking forward to the new millennium?
A. So they can at least say they passed a century.

Q. Who spent the most time at the crease of anyone in the English world cup squad?
A. The lady who ironed the cricket whites.

Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.

Q. What does Gough put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Read more: England Cricket Team Jokes

Indian Cricket Team Questions

What is the height of optimism ?
Ganguly coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Indian Innings.

Where do Indian batsmen perform there best?
In Advertisements.

When would ganguly have 100 runs against his name?
When he is bowling.

You can read other jokes by clicking on the menu on your left.

Read more: Indian Cricket Team Questions