Krishna Janma

In a Village in India, one masterji is teaching the 'krishnajanma' part of Mahabharat Katha to class 6 students.

Masterji: 'Kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8th child is going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put Vasudev n Devki behind the bars. First son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning... Second one is born n kansa throws him off the mountain peak Third one is born...'

Now Ramu, who is smartest of the lot, puts up his hand. Masterji, I have a doubt (sounding nervous n confused)! 'Ramu bete, whole india does not have doubt in mahabharata then how come u have one?'

Ramu: Masterji, if Kansa knew that Devaki's 8th child was going to kill him, WHY THE HELL DID HE PUT VASUDEV AND DEVAKI IN THE SAME CELL ?

Masterji fainted.....no answer.....

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The case against Lord Krishna


A nun in Warsaw, Poland, filed a case against ISKCON (International Society for Krishna Consciousness). The case came up in court.

The nun remarked that ISKCON was spreading its activities and gaining followers in Poland. She wanted ISKCON banned because its followers
were glorifying a character called Krishna €œwho had loose morals,€ having married 16,000 women called Gopikas.


The ISKCON defendant to the Judge:  €œPlease ask the nun to repeat the oath she took when she was ordained as a nun.€
The Judge asked the nun to recite the oath loudly. She would not.


The ISKCON man asked whether he could read out the oath for the nun. Go ahead, said the judge.


The oath said in effect that 'she (the nun) is married to Jesus Christ'. The ISKCON man said, "Your Lordship! Lord Krishna is alleged to have 'married' 16,000 women. There are more than a million nuns who assert that they are married to Jesus Christ. Between the two, Krishna
and the nuns, who has a loose character?€

The case was dismissed


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IT Ramayana

PART-I

      LAN, LAN ago, in the land of I/O-dhya, there ruled a  king  named  DOS-rat.  Three  queens  had  he - CONSOLE-ya, CHECKSUM-itra and  CIE/CAE  (Kaikeyi).  However,  he  had no line drivers - i.e. no one to perpetuate  his  line.  In  sheer  desperation,  he performed a great sacrifice after  which his queens gave birth to four sons - RAM, LSIman, BUG-rat and  SED-rughana.

      RAM was a microchip off the old block - he had  an excellent   memory,  he logged in quickly and semi-conducted himself in a manner fit for a king.  His brothers,   however,  were  only  perpheralI  ICs; everytime  RAM addressed them, they said, "I-C".  Once when RAM was  only  sixteen  years  old,  the great sage Vish-WAN-mitra sought his help to fight some  DAEMONs   who   persistently   RAIDed   his hermitage.   After  a  brief  collision, RAM routed them so easily that he came to  be  called  DAEMON  ROUTER.

      RAM then proceeded  to  Media,  where  he  married Pricess  C+ta.  C+ta's  sisters, who were not her blood  sisters  and  hence  called   TRAN-sisters, married  RAM's ICs. This ceremony came to be known as  TTL.

 

On  the  way  back  to  I/O-dhya,the entourage  met  Parasu-ROM  (or P-ROM  as  he was better known), the scourge of the kshatriyas.  Taking up the P-ROM challenge, RAM aimed an  arrow at  him; he threatened to take away P-ROM's powers of locomotion, thereby converting  him  to  Static RAM.

P-ROM  humbly  withdrew  and the procession reached I/O-dhya. Twelve years passed and DOS-rat decided  to  crown
RAM  as  his  successor.  However, CIE/CAE, at the instigation of her BIOSed maid MANtharai(a  real  plotter), insisted  that her son Bug-rat be crowned king and that RAM be banished to the  FOR(;;)est  for  fourteen years.  At  this  cruel  and unexpected demAND, a surge  passed  thru  DOS-rat  and  heCRASHED, power-less.

RAM agreed to go to FOR(;;)est and C+ta insisted to go with  him. She  said  that  at  the  time  of her marriage, her father had advised her to follow the footsteps of her husband like a shadow, hence, she came to be
called SHADOW-RAM. LSI-man was  also  resolved  on  accompanying  his brother as a SLAVE LSI.  Unable to bear separation,


DOS-rat died, setting  the  precedent  that  nosystemcould function in the absence of RAM.  The forest was the dwelling  of  SPARC-nakha,  the sister  of  RAW-van,  King of LAN-ka. Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that he marry her. RAM routed her to LSI-man, who also politely declined.  Perceiving C+ta to  be  the  source  code  of  her distress, she hastened to kill her. At this stage LSI-man executed the Memory resident code  and  converted  SPARC-naak to SPARC-no-naak. He TRUNCATED her nose.

Weeping, SPARC-no-naak fled to LAN-ka, where  RAW-van, moved by sisters plight, approached his uncle MAR-icha.
Ignoring MAR-icha's compilation  warnings  not  to RISC  SPARC-ing a  war  with  RAM, he insisted on going ahead.Accordingly,  MAR-icha transformed himself  into the form of golden sTAG and drew RAM deep into the  forest. Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the  deer,  who, with  his  last breath, cried out desperately for LSI-man in RAM's voice.  Fooled  by  this Virtual RAM cry, C+ta urged LSI-man to his brothers aid.  Catching the opportunity,  RAW-van  delinked  C+ta from her library and changed her root directory to LAN-ka by BROADCASTING her over sky.

 PART-II

RAM  and  LSI-man  started  FINDing for the missing i-node,  c+ta  allover  the  forest.  They  made friendship with  the  forest admin SU-greev and his powerful co-processor ha-NEUMAN. ha-NEUMAN  was  a legendary  figure. He had a swollen  cheek ARCHITECTURE. He was a child prodigy  andcame up with newer methedologies and techniques which inspired many others. In particular his RAM mantra technique became extremely popular for generations. SU-greev  agreed to  help RAM but first wanted help
from  RAM  todeletehisown root node VAALI.( valli?)  SU-greev's  intention was  obvious. He wanted to be the only  admin  around  &  wanted to grab all the consulting jobs in the
forest.
 
RAM fought with VALLI and  surprised him using some un-documented features.VALLI cried foul and started complaining to  the justice department saying that it was not a fair fight.RAM then convinced everyone using his trademark MICRO SOFT WORDs coupled with a few FREE vedic goodies.Though some of the onlookers such as ORACLE (seer)and pancha bhutas such as SUN, disagreed with RAM's micro soft touch,they all shut their mouths  fearing  RAM's  reach among the user community. SU-greev was happy with the outcome and ordered his programmers  to use powerful 'search' techniques to find the missing c+ta. His programmers searched all around  the  INTER-NETworked  forests. Some of them shouted 'YAA-HOO'  but  ended up  with 'not found' messages.  Several  other searchtechniques proved useless.

Ha-NEUMAN  using  a  radically  different  paradigm devised a RISKy technology and used it to cross the seas  at  astonishing  clock  speeds. On the way he bumped with a few satellite signals but was able to avoid deflections due to his own high strength.  As  soon  as  ha-NEUMAN  reached LAN-ka, he had to collidewithits firewall  called  LAN-ki.  The firewall made disperate  attempts to stop ha-NEUMAN entering  into  its internal  web,  but  the great ha-NEUMANdetectedaloop  hole  in LAN-ki's firewall.  Using  micro code, he broke the security and entered LAN-ka.

After doing some local search, ha-NEUMAN found C+ta weeping  under the  weight  of  a  TREE structure.  ha-NEUMAN used a unique key-id  (ring) to  identify himself to C+ta.  After  decrypting  the  key, C+ta believed in  him  and  asked him to send a STATUS_OK message to RAM through RING topology.
Meanwhile  all  the raakshasa BUGS around C+ta tied ha-NEUMANand tried  to  terminatehim  using pyro-techniques.  But  ha-NEUMAN  managed to spread chaos  among  the  raakshasas by SPAMMING the fire using some side effects.

Several  raakshasa programmers were later called to restorethe operational  stability  in  LAN-ka.  ha-NEUMAN happily escaped LAN-ka again and conveyed all the STATUS messages to RAM and SU-greev.  RAM  felt  happy  with  ha-NEUMAN's  methedology of execution  and  embarked  on  a  project code named EXPLORER to delete the netESCAPING RAW-wan. He even created a bridge and GATEWAY to acess LAN-ka network.


In  the  mean  time,  signs were apparent in LAN-ka about  the imminent  danger  from  RAM's  project EXPLORER, but RAW-wan refused to budge. Sensing  disaster,  his  ownsub-programcalled vibhee-SHUN,executeda 'GO TO'statement and branched  out to RAM's camp. RAW-wan still insisted on taking the all powerful RAM head-on.  He decided to use the boons given to him by SUN, sHIVa etc.and prepared  for  the  battle  on a  remote  island on LAN-ka called JAVA.

He thought that his presence in  JAVA will give him victory over RAM. RAM and his entourage made small and buggy progress in  the begining  but  the  world community on the whole started watching them with awe.  In the battle on JAVA island, it appeared initially that RAM had no chance.

In  fact  one of  the  RAW-wan's  SUN  indrajIT(son)   lmost killed  RAM & LSI-man with  a powerful brahma-astra called JAVA-BEAN.  It appeared for a while that the world  has  seen the end of RAM's MICRO SOFT touch.  But ha-NEUMAN resorted  to  some ACTIVE-Xgradients from HILL GATES and  concocted  a  potion  using  some  herbs.
His powerful  HERBAL-COMPUTER  aided him in making this potion which restarted RAM and LSI-man. Appearing,  reluctant  RAM  used  the  source  code secrets  of  RAW-wan given by  vibhee-SHUN and once and  for  all wiped  out RAW-wan's presense  on the earth. Before that he even SCHEDULED RAW-wan to come  nextday when all his resources were locked up bu RAM's virus  weapons  He  proved  again  that even the  so  called invincible  RAW-wan  cannot be  netESCAPED from his power.

After the battle, RAM spreaded his MICRO SOFT WORKS and  other  user friendly  programs  to  all users across  the  world  and  every  one lived happily thereafter.

END OF DIGITAL RAMAYANA

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American Ramayana (ABCD Style)

A young second generation Indian in the US, is explaining the significance of Diwali to his younger brother.

This is how he would go about it... So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so.

He decided to get his wife and his bro. along...you know...so that they could all chill out together. But DUDE, the forest was reeeeal scary shit...really man...they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked ass with darts and bows and arrows... so it was Fine. But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro., Lakshman, pissed... And you DON't piss this son-of-a-gun cuz, he just kicks ass and like... all the gods were with him. So anyways, you don't mess with gods.

SO, Ram, and his bro. get an army of monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok... so, Ram, Laksh. And their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his ownhood. Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest...And anyways...it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch a ride back home...and when the people realize that our dude, his bro.

And the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days...so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit...and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also... so it was pretty cooool...you know with all those fireworks...Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks..And you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding..,that was the very first music-synchronised fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, THAT was how, like, this festival started. Cool! Diwali rocks......

Read more: American Ramayana (ABCD Style)